today at jen's house: House Arrest

THE BARBIE DIARIES

On the immediate future of an annoying bug:

Barbie: I am seriously gonna assassinize that fly.

Regarding the stature of a particular celebrity:
Barbie: I don't know. He's so --s0, frame-ular.

Discussing Jennifer Garner, who in the movie "Electra" isn't much of a girly girl:
Barbie: Well, you do know she was Electrica.

Replying to Bug, who is learning Japanese:
Bug: Arigato!
Barbie: Yeah, uh, Tamagotchi!

During a conversation one day, as Barbie was talking about a friend of hers:
Barbie: "So then she just looked at me, with that 'moose in the driveway' kind of look."
Me: "That what?"
Barbie: "You know. That moose-in-the-driveway look."
Me, stopping to think for a second: "Oooohhh! You mean the 'deer in the headlights' look?"
Barbie: "Oh. Whatever."

One night while I was working, the organizational work of Barbie once again:
Hunk O Man: Oh, it won't kill you not to have any ice cream tonight.
( he leaves the kitchen momentarily)
When he re-enters the kitchen -- all 5 girls are laying on the kitchen table and floor as if they've died.

Having saved her some dinner, which she ate after work:
Barbie: "Why'd you fix me green beans? I hate green beans."
Me: "Because you need some green in your diet."
Barbie: "I'm wearing green. That's all the green I need."
She was actually wearing a green polo shirt.

Regarding a pistol that had been passed on from Hunk O Man's father to him:
Barbie: "Dad, you really should get a newer gun. I mean, that one must be from the Rock Era or something.
Hunk O Man: "You mean the Stone Age?"
Barbie: "Rock Era, Stone Age -- whatever. It's all the same."

Regarding various things she is asked and has no idea what the answer is:
Barbie: "How should I know? What am I, a brainiologist?"

Heard while watching one of the "Superman" movies:
Barbie: "Look! It's the planet Crouton!"

Regarding the dangers of not using the crosswalk:
Barbie: "Dad, I don't think we should be streetwalkers like this."
Hunk O Man: "Honey, I think you mean jaywalkers."

We are shopping and I comment that the clothing looks a lot like it did when I was in junior high:
Barbie: "Mom, it's called retro. Next thing you know, my kids will be dressing like cowboys and indians."

Heard over the phone as the girls and Hunk O Man are crammed into a rental car, heading to the airport, right after Christmas:
Barbie: "Mama, we're squished in here like sushi!"

Remembering a Christmas Day spent in the ER:
Barbie: "Daddy, do you remember I was in the hospital once? I had ammonia."

Driving home from a family reunion, Hunk O Man and I are discussing the relatives we've seen. We are driving in a rural area:
Barbie: "Whatta buncha pigs!"
Me: "Barbie! We don't talk about our relatives like that!"
Barbie: "No, really, Mom. Look!"
I look out the window and we are driving past an actual hog farm -- with LOTS of pigs.

In the car, while passing by the Allen Funeral Home :
Barbie: "Oh, look. There's the Alien Funeral Home."

On global warming:
Barbie: "I'm telling you, if there's an ice age, I'm moving."

Having just seen the movie "Ice Age 3:"
Barbie: "Chasm of death? Is it chasm of death?"
JB: "Yes! I've told you a hundred times! Chasm of death!"
Barbie: "Well I don't . . I can't . . I don't have a good re-memory!"

On month-old birthday cake:
Barbie: "If I eat this, I'll probably choke, then die, then get cancer 5 years later."
Me: "Then don't eat it."
Barbie: "But I'm hungry!"
Me: "Then eat it!"
Barbie: "Mom. Told you.
Choke. Die. Cancer 5 years later."

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Saturday, August 13, 2011

House Arrest

The Cheating Police pulled us over tonight. I got a ticket and Makaela got a warning. Makaela's taking hers to court and fighting it.

Here's how the whole thing went down.

Mia: Mom, did you not make this lasagna?
Me: Honey, I never make lasagna. I always buy it. I haven't made real lasagna since the days when your Grandma would come over and we'd cook and freeze everything.
Mia: What! This lasagna is a lie! You cheated!

Later . . .

Me: I made Italian for dinner, and it was good!
Mia: You cheated. Cheater.

Even later. . .
Mia, as she watched Makaela solve her Rubik's cube: What are you doing?
Makaela: I'm solving it.
Mia: You're talking to yourself. You're saying 'up, over, up, over, over, up, over.'
Makaela: I'm using algorithms.
Mia: You're totally cheating.
Makaela: No I'm not.
Mia: Cheat cheat Cheater. You're cheating, you cheating cheeeeaaaterrrr.

Later --

Makaela: I am not a cheater.
Mia: Cheating cheater! Go do your Cheater's Cube! This is a house of lies. I'm going to bed.

xoxoxox

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