Roll Call

Remember when you were in elementary school, and your teacher would call the roll?  In those days, I was taught to say “present” when my name was called.  This was in the age of dinosaurs, when cave men walked the earth and we were taught to spell correctly and write in cursive.  Ah, but I digress.

These days, it’s not my first or second grade teacher calling the roll.  It’s God.  And I find myself consistently being caught daydreaming when He speaks.

I’m talking here about more than just paying attention.  I’m talking about being present in the moment.  So often I find myself just -- well, to be honest --elsewhere.  I’m thinking about my favourite movie, or I’m caught up in a computer game, or I’m watching a television show I like.  Whatever the work of fiction, it removes me from the reality of my life.  Subsequently, I am absent when my name is called.

This is a difficult problem for me to fight on two fronts.  First off, I’m an introvert.  The emotional energy that I gladly spend on interacting with people is always in short supply and leaves me exhausted.  And secondly, I remedy this mental and emotional exhaustion by letting my brain rest in whatever work of fiction that it chooses.  We all know what happens when we escape: we lose track of time.  And this adds up as our lives go by.  It’s like sleep – we have to do it, but we’re always amazed at just how much actual time we spend doing it.

I’ve been reading in Romans and Corinthians and Acts lately.  These are all writings that involve Paul to a large extent.  And Paul was amazing.  He was always present in not just his life, but in the moment.  He traveled, he taught, he exampled, he loved.  He had one purpose and he kept it always in his line of sight.  He never seems to have lost that perspective, even when he took a break.

I want that.  I want that single-minded focus on my purpose.  I want to ignore that high-maintenance gray matter in my head and just keep going when that emotional energy is gone.  I want to both not care if I’m running on empty and not run on empty at all!  I would love to be energized by people. 

I want to be someone else.

But I am just me, and I am limited by the confines of the person that God has made me to be.  I catch the moments when I can.  I try and look up at God whenever I think of it, and I pray constantly that He will remind me and enable me to do it.  I often will repeat to myself “this is happening right now.”  I also look up from my computer, my book, my sewing, my television show, my pillow.  The moments are ticking by so fast, and I don’t want to lose any more. Most of all, I don't want to lose opportunities to be Jesus to the people around me, in love and in service.

“Jenny W.?”

“Present.”